Forced smiles and forced freedoms...

Ahh... There's a lot that's been going on with the 'nothingness' again, so I thought I'd write.

A few keywords:

Mental blocks. Frustration. Silent treatments.

Cigarettes (Gudang Garams to be specific). A fucked-up body; HEARTBURN.

Cars, and the absence of them. (No money.)

Being zoned out (and hating it, for once);

Home (?) [and an abject questioning of the notion];

Men (and again a question mark as to what they ought to be - what I'd believe them to be - and aren't).

Temptations to insanity. Restless solitudes. Loneliness.

Shorts, Sun tan & Heatstrokes.

An elder brotherly figure once told me "You have work. You're privileged." in one of my self-indulgent, sulky moods.

It was a strong statement I always try to remind myself of, whenever lazy or in doubt.

Work has been a blessing for me, especially in times of pain, bitterness and heartbreak when I needed to be completely mindless to my own woes, and be able to look at a larger scheme of things, take in and understand so many new things that were being thrown at me, (largely) in a bid to forget the old; and enjoying the present moment, completely uncertain of the next.

I'm a big fan of reality checks. I like to know where I stand - wherever it may be - and have learnt only the hard way from some very undesirable circumstances that it's always better facing up than living in denial.

Ignorance may be bliss; it's the realization of it that's painful. And that's why we seek knowledge. To be able to deal with the pain.

The more we know, the easier it becomes to deal with the pain.

If we're willing to accept it, that is. And that can set you free...

Freedom is a state that I hold very close to my heart and value as very precious; for those who are deprived of it, by their choice or without it.

Often, we deprive ourselves of certain freedoms; in want of or as a sacrifice for something else more dear.

Another very close friend (and well-wisher and guide) told me once in regard to freedom:

"To be free is not a situation but a decision. The question is what you're willing to pay for it."

And not that I regret it or don't appreciate it, what should I be willing to give up for a freedom, that comes to me without a price? Or shall I say, as a result not of my choice. For free.

Love? Truth?

Respect, for myself and for others?

Pride?

Today, I am free. For whatever decisions, on whoever's part. But this freedom has brought with it, as it always does and always must, also a dangerous space;

where I am lost at times, and confused;

apprehensive I'll make the wrong decisions, and completely at liberty to make them;

or just gutless as to whether I'll be able to execute the requirements of my decisions;

and stand up to the implications...

Stay Out

Staying is over-rated. Why must one stay, when there is so much more to do in someplace else? It took an uncomfortable jolt for me to understand how much I really valued change. Being in one place where I had become most comfortable, I had stopped thinking beyond it. I was perhaps denying myself and would perhaps have denied myself of so many opportunities that would have eventually popped up; had it not been for that one reality check.

I've been a fan since; choosing only to know what is really going on rather than being lost in my own blissful ignorance.

And so I try to change, myself and the things around me; every time I feel I have stayed enough to become comfortable in one situation.

I have my own commitments, and my own interests, which sometimes come in the way; and I've only been able to do it in a controlled manner up until now; but soon as I'm free of that, as much as I can, ever in life, I just wish to be able to give myself a rigourous shake and get out of myself!

Outwards. Outwards is the way to go. Neither forward, and never backwards. But always in the present moment, one of your own choosing- loving, living and taking in whatever's thrown at you.

Because there are many moments when you get to be on your own. Enough. In fact, too many.

And it would be a waste to be inside yourself and stuck only in what is you and what you know and what you do and what you are and what you think; and not consider the rest of the world that is springing and bubbling all around just waiting to be noticed.

It becomes so easy to get caught up in being one even with yourself at times. And in a struggle to like yourself and be at peace with who you are, to know where to stop and take a re-look is hard. Reviewing one's own self can be a reflection of what one craves in the rest of the world. And in the choices we make in the world, we reflect our own character.

A balancing act in itself can sometimes be a dilemma when you don't know whether you're being arrogant or just self-confident and loving oneself; whether you're being un-emotional and cold-hearted or just detached and independent as a means to happiness, or whether you've just given up on the world and have become indifferent as a result of hurt or neglect.

I have sometimes come across people who claim to, and seem to be pretty agile at, putting out such a balanced approach. Every word, measured. Every gesture, planned. Not a scrap more; not a scrap less. And they seem to be completely in control; of themselves, and others.

And I wonder; as there is always something beyond the obvious, something more than meets the eye; what their secret lives must be like. What do they think when they're alone?

Do the lies haunt them?

Does the distance worry them?

Basically, do they remain as peaceful in their solitude or does something, anything at all, tear them up inside?

I get pretty torn up myself.

My Leap of Faith

Tell me your secrets. Ask me your questions.

There's no one I can pass them on to.

And there's too much of I in me.

It's not to be about me. Not all the time.

Things are changing, they must.

But things are just not right... them I really don't trust.

Not now. Not today. Ask me some other time.

In the desperate loneliness, are memories sublime.

I'm letting go. I'm keeping the faith. There will be the nicer days.

Neither happiness nor sadness stays.

Everything moves, whatever be its pace.

Tomorrow, if not today, I'll see your pretty face.

If not tomorrow, the day after.

I'll again hear your sweet laughter.

Not to be obliterated, our memories are to keep.

For you, this time, I'll take this blind leap.

Nothing to Lose

With a load on my heart and a blanket over my eyes.

I'll turn a blank face to all our past ties.

Even if only for a while...

If it's what you want, I'll slide past like an invisible shadow.

So you won't even know I'm there.

The words in our memory might fade, but will never disappear.

I'll hang around, and wait for when I see your eyes searching me.

I'll be right there. Just reach out and hold my hand.

And that won't change no matter where we stand.

Each embrace, will still be around. You just have to wish it.

Every kiss, every look, every song... all you've to do is miss it.

And now we're both on our trips, but let's meet somewhere in the middle.

(...can't get a line...)

Start a new one together.

You may be a new person then. I may be different too.

But suddenly, unexpectedly, I think I'll again fall in love with you.

We'll start from zero, there's nothing to lose...

PS- Note: (April 21 '10)

The naiveté of the time this post was written has been brushed aside by now.
Feeling better, being a lot more out of denial.

Communication...

I went to an SFT Delhi meeting today and was the only Indian there. Needless to say, most of the conversation took place in Tibetan. It is amazing how much I could understand when I did not even understand the language.

And you can spend hours talking, talking and screaming, screaming and pleading, pleading and justifying, justifying and persuading, and still not make sense to the other person. And understand so little of what is being said.

It is not the words, it is what it means to you to convey what the words mean. Do you want to have a conversation, get your point across and understand the other person as well, whatever be the language, or do you want to just talk, scream, plead just to let out all you have inside?

Language is not a barrier. And language cannot be a bond.
It is the sentiment that drives people away.
And it is the sentiment which brings them together.

Aliens...

I was with them, among them, doing what they did... and yet I was not one of them, and never could be.

And I realised, that is how they must feel all the time.

It's meant to be.

I cried last night, and all I wanted was to be in his arms.

I cried 'cos I was weak, even insecure, and he had hurt me.

I wanted to feel special again, because that is something the world is constantly taking away from me.

I wanted to feel like I mattered to him, because in everyone else's lives I was inconsequential, and I knew it.

I wanted to feel like the reason someone was happy, 'cos of late I have been feeling so self-centred.

I wanted to feel like I had given to someone, unconditionally, 'cos of late I have been feeling so selfish.

I wanted, I wanted, I wanted..... just to feel, so I could live and love my life again.

I wanted to feel like I had someone special, because I knew I did, and I did not want the world to be constantly taking that away from him.

I wanted him to feel like he mattered to me, and more so than anyone else, just in case he was feeling like he didn't to anyone else.

I wanted him to know that he was the reason I was happy, and that he was the most caring, most generous person I had ever met.

I wanted to tell him that he had given me the greatest joys of my life and the most valuable moments ever.

I wanted.... to end these strange silences that have gradually crept up between us, to bury all the meaningless tears and suspicions. I wanted... so we could together feel life again, to support our dreams, to love each other (in order) to love life and everything that comes our way.... just the way it used to be, just the way it's meant to be....