BLINK

Big green eyes, vacant and still
Shooting around here and there
Glimmering loud and shrill
Flooded with emotions bare

Rubbed and battered, washed clean
(Like clothes on a dhobi ghaat)
Searching through darkness, for a glimpse of his shadow
Awoken from sleep, every night
Hurting from that acidic flow

Of tears and blood, boiling hot
Laid mercilessly one on top of the other
Raging away through nerves frayed
Disintegrating every part of who she is

Pink nose, running quick
And a rosy grey crescent under each hollow eye
Eroding the soft mounds of flawless skin
Flickering from cherished smiles to shameless begging

(In love, and always will be)

Play on..

Celebrating tragedies with people who caused it,

With people who we ruined,

With people who are still sitting across the table, sharing a smile & ready to lend a shoulder... at the end of it all.

All the pain forgotten.

All the pain forgiven.

@ a few laughs.

Compromises, made willingly.

Promises, made knowing they can't be fulfilled - forgiven.

Wishes, that we wished as we drifted into fantasy.

Beautiful memories we stole from a cruel reality.

And memories of a future that may never happen.

Of a future that beat us to it.

But, the game of life is still on.

So we carry on, and give it our best shot.

(Jan 13th, '11

8:53 pm)

Morning by Myself

Walk, calmly

Alone or hand-in-hand

Speak, softly

As you shuffle through the sands of time

Step, quietly

Let the noise dissolve into thin air

Gentle whispers,

Into a lover's trusting ears

Birds gliding

And paradise found in solitudes

Moments, sliding past

As I just sit and stare, glued

Gazing at puddles

Little drops dripping

Blue scraps and red plastics

Early morning coffee-sipping

Surrounded by smoky shadows

My thoughts go up in ash

Dusty glass windows

And rhymes haphazardly stashed...

Work?

I had this one bf till some time back. The only one I ever truly loved.

When it ended, I tried to replace love with work.

I worked so much that I would have no time to think of it. No time to think of him.

Sometimes, it'd become a bit too much. Any work I'd be given, I'd do.

But the truth is - work - it was being my saviour at the time.

I'd break without it.

Right now I'm at this point - there's no arrogance, but I sometimes feel that I am better than this place. That I am better than this work.

There's no arrogance. There is, in fact, a bitter sadness.

That I am not in a position where I can grow. Not in a state where I am learning; where I even want to learn.

It makes me sad.

And also sad that it might harden me. (However necessary.)

That it may diminish my sense of wonder.

That it may kill my inner believer.

Just like love did.

[Train of thoughts is lost now.]

Forced smiles and forced freedoms...

Ahh... There's a lot that's been going on with the 'nothingness' again, so I thought I'd write.

A few keywords:

Mental blocks. Frustration. Silent treatments.

Cigarettes (Gudang Garams to be specific). A fucked-up body; HEARTBURN.

Cars, and the absence of them. (No money.)

Being zoned out (and hating it, for once);

Home (?) [and an abject questioning of the notion];

Men (and again a question mark as to what they ought to be - what I'd believe them to be - and aren't).

Temptations to insanity. Restless solitudes. Loneliness.

Shorts, Sun tan & Heatstrokes.

An elder brotherly figure once told me "You have work. You're privileged." in one of my self-indulgent, sulky moods.

It was a strong statement I always try to remind myself of, whenever lazy or in doubt.

Work has been a blessing for me, especially in times of pain, bitterness and heartbreak when I needed to be completely mindless to my own woes, and be able to look at a larger scheme of things, take in and understand so many new things that were being thrown at me, (largely) in a bid to forget the old; and enjoying the present moment, completely uncertain of the next.

I'm a big fan of reality checks. I like to know where I stand - wherever it may be - and have learnt only the hard way from some very undesirable circumstances that it's always better facing up than living in denial.

Ignorance may be bliss; it's the realization of it that's painful. And that's why we seek knowledge. To be able to deal with the pain.

The more we know, the easier it becomes to deal with the pain.

If we're willing to accept it, that is. And that can set you free...

Freedom is a state that I hold very close to my heart and value as very precious; for those who are deprived of it, by their choice or without it.

Often, we deprive ourselves of certain freedoms; in want of or as a sacrifice for something else more dear.

Another very close friend (and well-wisher and guide) told me once in regard to freedom:

"To be free is not a situation but a decision. The question is what you're willing to pay for it."

And not that I regret it or don't appreciate it, what should I be willing to give up for a freedom, that comes to me without a price? Or shall I say, as a result not of my choice. For free.

Love? Truth?

Respect, for myself and for others?

Pride?

Today, I am free. For whatever decisions, on whoever's part. But this freedom has brought with it, as it always does and always must, also a dangerous space;

where I am lost at times, and confused;

apprehensive I'll make the wrong decisions, and completely at liberty to make them;

or just gutless as to whether I'll be able to execute the requirements of my decisions;

and stand up to the implications...

Stay Out

Staying is over-rated. Why must one stay, when there is so much more to do in someplace else? It took an uncomfortable jolt for me to understand how much I really valued change. Being in one place where I had become most comfortable, I had stopped thinking beyond it. I was perhaps denying myself and would perhaps have denied myself of so many opportunities that would have eventually popped up; had it not been for that one reality check.

I've been a fan since; choosing only to know what is really going on rather than being lost in my own blissful ignorance.

And so I try to change, myself and the things around me; every time I feel I have stayed enough to become comfortable in one situation.

I have my own commitments, and my own interests, which sometimes come in the way; and I've only been able to do it in a controlled manner up until now; but soon as I'm free of that, as much as I can, ever in life, I just wish to be able to give myself a rigourous shake and get out of myself!

Outwards. Outwards is the way to go. Neither forward, and never backwards. But always in the present moment, one of your own choosing- loving, living and taking in whatever's thrown at you.

Because there are many moments when you get to be on your own. Enough. In fact, too many.

And it would be a waste to be inside yourself and stuck only in what is you and what you know and what you do and what you are and what you think; and not consider the rest of the world that is springing and bubbling all around just waiting to be noticed.

It becomes so easy to get caught up in being one even with yourself at times. And in a struggle to like yourself and be at peace with who you are, to know where to stop and take a re-look is hard. Reviewing one's own self can be a reflection of what one craves in the rest of the world. And in the choices we make in the world, we reflect our own character.

A balancing act in itself can sometimes be a dilemma when you don't know whether you're being arrogant or just self-confident and loving oneself; whether you're being un-emotional and cold-hearted or just detached and independent as a means to happiness, or whether you've just given up on the world and have become indifferent as a result of hurt or neglect.

I have sometimes come across people who claim to, and seem to be pretty agile at, putting out such a balanced approach. Every word, measured. Every gesture, planned. Not a scrap more; not a scrap less. And they seem to be completely in control; of themselves, and others.

And I wonder; as there is always something beyond the obvious, something more than meets the eye; what their secret lives must be like. What do they think when they're alone?

Do the lies haunt them?

Does the distance worry them?

Basically, do they remain as peaceful in their solitude or does something, anything at all, tear them up inside?

I get pretty torn up myself.

My Leap of Faith

Tell me your secrets. Ask me your questions.

There's no one I can pass them on to.

And there's too much of I in me.

It's not to be about me. Not all the time.

Things are changing, they must.

But things are just not right... them I really don't trust.

Not now. Not today. Ask me some other time.

In the desperate loneliness, are memories sublime.

I'm letting go. I'm keeping the faith. There will be the nicer days.

Neither happiness nor sadness stays.

Everything moves, whatever be its pace.

Tomorrow, if not today, I'll see your pretty face.

If not tomorrow, the day after.

I'll again hear your sweet laughter.

Not to be obliterated, our memories are to keep.

For you, this time, I'll take this blind leap.