Forced smiles and forced freedoms...

Ahh... There's a lot that's been going on with the 'nothingness' again, so I thought I'd write.

A few keywords:

Mental blocks. Frustration. Silent treatments.

Cigarettes (Gudang Garams to be specific). A fucked-up body; HEARTBURN.

Cars, and the absence of them. (No money.)

Being zoned out (and hating it, for once);

Home (?) [and an abject questioning of the notion];

Men (and again a question mark as to what they ought to be - what I'd believe them to be - and aren't).

Temptations to insanity. Restless solitudes. Loneliness.

Shorts, Sun tan & Heatstrokes.

An elder brotherly figure once told me "You have work. You're privileged." in one of my self-indulgent, sulky moods.

It was a strong statement I always try to remind myself of, whenever lazy or in doubt.

Work has been a blessing for me, especially in times of pain, bitterness and heartbreak when I needed to be completely mindless to my own woes, and be able to look at a larger scheme of things, take in and understand so many new things that were being thrown at me, (largely) in a bid to forget the old; and enjoying the present moment, completely uncertain of the next.

I'm a big fan of reality checks. I like to know where I stand - wherever it may be - and have learnt only the hard way from some very undesirable circumstances that it's always better facing up than living in denial.

Ignorance may be bliss; it's the realization of it that's painful. And that's why we seek knowledge. To be able to deal with the pain.

The more we know, the easier it becomes to deal with the pain.

If we're willing to accept it, that is. And that can set you free...

Freedom is a state that I hold very close to my heart and value as very precious; for those who are deprived of it, by their choice or without it.

Often, we deprive ourselves of certain freedoms; in want of or as a sacrifice for something else more dear.

Another very close friend (and well-wisher and guide) told me once in regard to freedom:

"To be free is not a situation but a decision. The question is what you're willing to pay for it."

And not that I regret it or don't appreciate it, what should I be willing to give up for a freedom, that comes to me without a price? Or shall I say, as a result not of my choice. For free.

Love? Truth?

Respect, for myself and for others?

Pride?

Today, I am free. For whatever decisions, on whoever's part. But this freedom has brought with it, as it always does and always must, also a dangerous space;

where I am lost at times, and confused;

apprehensive I'll make the wrong decisions, and completely at liberty to make them;

or just gutless as to whether I'll be able to execute the requirements of my decisions;

and stand up to the implications...